Shion's Newest Unhealty Obsession
by Final Hikari
Summary: What happens when Shion starts acting like a middleaged housewife that only reads romance fiction with porn? I wrote this for my mother and best friend who read a book called The Enchanted Lands that scarred her for life. You know who you are!


Final Hikari: Okay! Who wants to star in a fan fic today?!

Shion: pouts Why me?! You don't even like me!

Final Hikari: Nope, I certainly don't. You complain about yourself too much.

Shion: Why try posting this again?! The other Xenosaga site you wanted to post this to already went dead! NOBODY WANTS US ANYMORE! starts crying

Final Hikari: groan Relax, Shion. I've got a load of fan fics for you to take part in and post to other websites that accept countless types of fan fics.

KOS-MOS: Is the cold monotone needed today?

Final Hikari: Yup, Episode 1 attires please! Except for Rubedo, he looks better in Ep2.

KOS-MOS: But Episode 2 marked the slow downfall of Xenosaga.

Final Hikari: Oh, c'mon, just get read to star in this fan fic! Besides, there are still a bunch of obsessed fans bouncing around like me. Hurry XS fans, the Xenosaga anime is being released in the US! Get your pre-order on Amazon TODAY!

Shion: pout But I'm not done whining about my horrible situation! And that sounded really corny.

Final Hikari: Tough shit. I now present----

KOS-MOS: You have forgotten something, Final Hikari.

Final Hikari: Geh? What could I possibly have---Oh! Not only have to run a spell checker on this disclaimed, and I make to claim to owning any character, places, or things in Xenosaga.

KOS-MOS: That is better. And you seem to have a few misspelled words. Please run the spell check through before posting this.

Final Hikari: Err, yes...feel free to point out any typos/other errors you find in this fan fic! I'm a newbie with fan fics, just so you know. :) I now present...

chaos: Oooh, I'm part of this one?!

Final Hikari: Everybody shaddup! Let the reader read in piece!

KOS-MOS & chaos: You mean peace.

Final Hikari: Whatever...

Shion: PEACE?! wails and sobs I may of had a peaceful ending in Episode 3, but KOS-MOS ddddiiiiieeeeeddddd! Wwwaaaahhhh...all the fan fictions saying I was gay for KOS-MOS twisted my brain, how am I supposed to move on?!

Final Hikari: groan I am never putting you in another fan fic...now get outta here! don't kill me Shion fans

Shion: But I thought you needed me! Wwwwwaaaaahhhhh...

Final Hikaru: -- I now present...

Shion's Newest Unhealthy Obsession

"Shion," I observed calmly as she rushed from the bookshelf to the check out counter adding more romance novels to the pile she was buying, "There is a 99.999997 chance that those books have no morals, facts of life or this world, and lack solid plots around the troubles of the main characters."

"Oh, butt out KOS-MOS!" Shion said shortly. "Just carry the bags and stop complaining. My new interest in collecting books won't effect you or anybody else."

"Actually," I explained, "You have spent exactly 4,567 dollars and 64 cents on books today in eighteen stores. You shall effect the owner's income by 1.26."

Shion sighed and pulled out her credit card as the elderly woman at the cashier's desk slid it though the slot on her computer as her young assistant bagged the books as quickly as he could.

"You have now spent 4, 843 dollars and 34 cents. Would you like the fraction of the tenths and hundredths of the exact cents?"

"No thank, KOS-MOS." Shion said, adjusting the jacket to her Vector uniform. "Come carry these bags, there are a lot of hard covers here and they're quite heavy."

"You have purchased 1,457.34 pounds of books." I added. "Shall I put these in the shuttle that will take them to your room on the Durandal?"

"Yes, but be quick about it. It took your more than fifteen minutes before to move all those books before, and I've found another bookstore in this district Kukai Foundation. I should be able to find more books by Linda Howard and Jude Deveraux there."

"Affirmative." I said, lifting up the ten bags she'd filled with books from the small store. I did not rush to the shuttle, even though it took twenty minutes and fourteen seconds to drop the books off and relocate her position, when I entered the large bookstores she'd found in a mall she was arguing with a woman very loudly over a book.

I observed the situation for a moment, reading the title of the book and observing the title. It was not recorded in my database, so it was evidently fiction. The title read "The Enchanted Lands by Jude Deveraux" with sloping fields and hills on the cover.

The woman Shion was fighting over it with looked to be in her forties.

Shion looked up, her eyes brightening when she saw me.

"KOS-MOS!" She called, "It's one of your prime directives to protect all Vector employees, right? Especially me, right?"

"Affirmative. But you are in no real danger, thus it is not required for me to act."

"KOS-MOS! As your creator, I command you help me get this book away from this old bag!"

"Shion, those books are aimed at middle-aged single women that do not have lovers or middle-aged men with distinctly disturbed minds. Although you usually act like the forlorn loner from losing Kevin Winnicot, you are more than twenty-years below the age-ground those books are meant for. Furthermore…"

"KOS-MOS! Don't be so rude!"

"It was never my intention to be rude. I only speak the truth of the current situation my personality OS has interpreted."

"KOS-MOS…" Shion whined.

"If you no longer require my services for the day, I shall be returning to my maintenance bed on the Elsa."

The Next Day

"Shion," I said from outside the door to her room on the Durandal, "I have been instructed by Gaignun Kukai Jr., or Rubedo, that you are to report to the bridge of the Durandal. Please unlock the door or I shall have Shelly and Mary overdrive the locks."

I heard a loud sigh from the inside of the room, and the door slid open and I entered to see a complete disaster. There were piles of books on every surface, the largest mountains on the floors. If my records did not notify me the carpet was supposed to be red I would not have been able to use external sensors to identify the color.

"What's he want?" Shion asked irritably looking over the top of her book. It appeared to be the book she had been fighting over for the previous day. Her bed was also covered in books, and she appeared not to have changed out of her Vector uniform since the previous day.

"It is about a Vector blueprint of a weapon I possess found in a U-TIC base. He would like you to identify it." I replied.

"Can't you do it?"

"The blueprint is in my database, and there is a 99.99 probability it is legitimate, but he would like you to check it for ay abnormalities that might implore was stolen in a hacking of Vector computers."

"Fine, fine…tell him I'll be there in ten minutes. Let me find my bookmark and get changed…"

"Shion, one more thing."

"What?" She asked rooting around the hardcover books and paperbacks on her bed.

"You have not showered in 97 hours. Your external appearance is down fifteen percent. Shion, you need to be cleaned."

"Oh, just tell him I'll be right there! I'll shower later, I'm in a hurry to do what the brat can't, remember?"

"If you recall since he is actually twenty-seven 'brat' isn't an accurate word, according to my personality OS."

"Fine, well he _looks_ like a twelve-year-old, and acts like one most of the time. Now go tell him I'll be right there!"

"Affirmative. I have one final question, it would speed actions greatly if you used your connection gear to call him and tell him you are on your way."

"I lost it. It's somewhere in these books…"

"Understood." I said and left the room.

After reaching the bridge, and informing the Durandal crew (Rubedo, Shelly, Mary, and a number of mass-produced 100-Series Realians) that Shion would be arriving shortly. After ten minutes the group started on other things, and after 20 minutes passed from the time I'd returned to the bridge, the elevator slid upward and Shion jogged forward to the main center console.

"What did you need me to check?" She asked, trying to sound upbeat even though it was obvious she hadn't wanted to be disturbed.

"Uh, this document we copied from the U-TIC database." Rubedo said, not saying anything but obviously noticing Shion spelled like cheap perfume, deodorant, and lingering body order.

"Hmm…" Shion said after a moment. "It looks like the only time it was copies was when you saved it. I don't think U-TIC did any hacking to get that data. The document is new…from way after U-TIC was Vector's ally…"

"Just as I figured. Thanks, Shion. You can return to…whatever it was you were doing." Rubedo said, closing the document.

A holographic transmission panel opened above the center console, MOMO's picture appearing on it.

She look worried as she said, "Jr.! We've got problems, the environmental bugs are going haywire! Their is a seriously dirty person on the Durandal right now, and the bugs are reacting violently as they purify the air!"

She caught site of Shion, who looked disturbed.

"I couldn't be me!" Shion said defensively.

"According to the data from the environmental bugs that I have received, the person generating the stench they're purifying entered the bridge 3 minutes ago and 28 seconds ago, the same time you entered the bridge. Your external appearance has dropped again, it is not down 34. Shion, you need to be cleaned."

Two Days Later

"Rubedo," I addressed him upon entering the park area on the Durandal, "Is there any reason you have called an emergency meeting here so suddenly and required me to come? If it is involving importance of the organization, why would it not be held in the bridge?"

I observed the group, noticing the only person missing was Shion. Rubedo, MOMO, chaos, Ziggy, and Jin were all present.

"KOS-MOS, glad you got here so quickly!" Rubedo said atheistically, "Shion has been using you as her book pack mule--err, I mean book carrier, and I was wondering if you know what caused her sudden obsession with trashy romance novels."

"According to my database, 'pack mule' would be an accurate comparison. And no, I do not have data on what caused her recent obsession."

"KOS-MOS," MOMO said, hiding a smirk, "Your database is correct in the sense it's a accurate comparison, but it's also an insult."

"Acknowledged. I was not programmed to deal with men in children's bodies, but I shall react accordingly should the situation arise again."

"Can we focus?" Rubedo sighed. "But KOS-MOS, you must know when it started."

"Affirmative. She started reading fiction exactly two weeks ago, three days, eighteen hours, forty-nine minutes, and eighteen seconds ago. The date was…"

"Okay, I got it." Rubedo said quickly, before I continued with data he apparently did not have interest in. "Was she depressed or anything when she started reading 'em?"

"She seemed remorseful over Kevin Winnicot's death." I replied. "I do recall her telling Miyuki she missed having romance in her life."

"I've got an idea!" MOMO said brightly. "Why not get Allen to ask her out to dinner and we can casually say the enviornmental bugs located some kind of deadly mold in her room and she can't go in there to get her books?"

"She'd probably only buy more, but she might be distracted enough for that to work." chaos said thoughtfully.

"We might as well try it." Rubedo sighed. "Before she starts playing the Sims."

"What?" Shion yelled when Rubedo explained the reason her room had been locked, and why she couldn't get any of her belongings or books. Her and Allen had only returned fifteen minutes before she stormed up to the bridge of the Durandal. "This can't be!"

"Well, the environmental bugs don't lie." He said solemnly.

She left the bridge in a huff, even more angry she credit card has reached it's maximum and she couldn't buy more books that night.

After the elevator slid down out of sight Rubedo sighed saying, "Well, I suppose it's a happy ending to Shion's newest unhealthy obsession. Good thing Miyuki agreed to distract her for the next few weeks…"

"Agreed." I said, "It is a good thing. She will probably thank us one day."

"You think? Rubedo asked dryly.

"I do not have the data to determine that, for it is only a fifty percent chance she will or she won't."

Hikari: Ahhhh! The Shion fans have opened fire at me! KOS-MOS, quick! X-Buster!

KOS-MOS: Affirmative.

Final Hikari: Phew! Since that's over down to business... I do not know when I shall do another fan fiction, as my focus are my own original books. shoves Shion in the dish washer so she doesn't go hysterical on me again

KOS-MOS: And since Hikari has limited internet time and extrememly over protective parents do not be upset if you are not replied to quick. Japanese-styple bow Arigato.

Final Hikari: KOS-MOS, get ready for combat! I smell more Shion fans coming!

KOS-MOS: If you do not mind I must return to my duty now.

Final Hikari: OO Don't leave me here!!! They'll kill me!

KOS-MOS: Or flame you, if you are lucky. Sayonara.

Final Hikari: grabs katana Sssshhhiiiittttt...

KOS-MOS: pops head in room Thank you for reading, and don't forget to review. And please tell Final Hikari if you want her to add the date itself. My scanners indicate she got lazy when typing and skimped out. And please note she wrote this a few years ago.


End file.
